


Going Through Hell

by Waldo



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Episode: s01e13 Kobol's Last Gleaming, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Part II, Speculative fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-28
Updated: 2005-05-28
Packaged: 2017-10-03 22:09:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waldo/pseuds/Waldo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She's back. But she's far from okay.  (Post KLG story, written before the start of season 2)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Going Through Hell

**Author's Note:**

> (Note to the notes: I needed these when I initially posted the work. I'm not sure I do anymore, but just in case...)
> 
>  
> 
> First off, thanks to my great beta readers, [info - Ancarett and Ilanabean42 They may or may not recognize this story as the one they looked at way back when. Because of their great feedback I poked at this story for over a month trying to fix everything they said need fixing. Any remaining (or resulting) errors, are mine alone.
> 
> What this story is and is not:  
> This story is not going to be everyone's thing. That's fine. If you read it anyway and want to start a discussion on how your views differ from mine, I love a good debate. If you're just going to flame, save your breath. I'm an inner-city school teacher. You can't phase me by being rude.
> 
> KLG II leaves us with SO many points to start speculating and writing. I didn't tackle them all.
> 
>  
> 
> There are a lot of things this story is not.  
> • It is not a story of how Kara gets off Caprica  
> • It is not a story of what happens in the political realm of the fleet with both Baltar and Roslin out of the picture  
> • It is not the story of what they do with the Arrow or what happens to the fleet while Adama is recovering.  
> • It is not the story of how Lee gets out of being arrested and thrown in the brig.  
> • It is not the story of why Kara doesn't get thrown in the brig.  
> etc, etc...
> 
> Suffice it to say that what it is is long enough, and if I try to tie up all the loose ends of KLG II I'd be here for years.
> 
> What this story is is an examination of what all the stress of KLG and everything leading up to it, does to the mind of someone who is arguably not the most stable person in the fleet. So much of what happens in KLG II is either directly or indirectly the result of decisions that Kara makes that I can't imagine she wouldn't have some 'issues' when she returns. Not to mention the kind of hell she had to have seen having been on a planet that's been dead for months. This story is and exploration of what that kind of stress can do to a person. It's also, somewhat, a story about how a relationship can be built out of the ashes.
> 
> All feedback welcome. Everything from typo's I've still managed to miss to fundamentally different views of the characters.

  
  
_  
If you're going through hell, keep going. _  
~Winston Churchill

_To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness "_  
Erich Fromm (German born American social philosopher and psychoanalyst, 1900-1980)

\--------------------

The worlds ending had been bad. He’d thought it would be the worst thing he’d ever endure. But the fact that he had gone over four months now without finding equilibrium was worse. Things never calmed, became routine, became habit. They’d all started pretending that some semblance of a new definition of ‘normal’ had taken root, but he knew that it hadn’t. The constant flux was wearing him down to nothing.

His father was still on life-support. Boomer was a Cylon, and now apparently there were two of them. Ten souls lost on Raptor Two, three from Raptor One. The president had been put in hack. Tigh was in charge.

And Starbuck had gone A.W.O.L.

She was back now, but he hadn’t seen her. Gaeta and Dualla had come by to sit with him and the Old Man for a while last night. D. had mentioned it, assuming he knew. He didn’t let them see the relief he felt. Or the anger.

The anger was burning off. Had been for a while now. What she did went beyond ‘impulsive’, but as much as he wanted to he couldn’t remain indefinitely pissed at her. He couldn’t afford the emotional capital. He could only feel so much worry, fear, hate, dread and grief at one time. Most of the worry was taken up by his father. The general uncertainty of their circumstance got the fear. Tigh seemed to be getting most of the hate and dread. Starbuck had gotten the grief for a few days. When she’d failed to return three days after she’d jumped, he’d been certain she was dead. Now that she was back, a week after she’d left, he had no more room for hate or anger or grudges. The relief he’d felt at D.’s announcement was the first honest-to-gods good feeling he’d had since the doctor had come out of surgery and announced that things were still a little touch and go, but that his father was almost certain to live. He supposed there was a chance that he was just burying his negative feelings for her and that they’d erupt at a really inconvenient time, but for now… now he just wanted to see her.

He’d thought about going looking for her, but he knew that someone would have brought her up to speed. Once she knew about the Old Man, she’d know where to find him. She hadn’t come looking, so he hadn’t forced anything.

He wondered, briefly if she was in the brig. Nothing D. had said would have precluded it and Tigh seemed inordinately fond of sending people there lately. He supposed he’d have to check around.

Tigh couldn’t afford to keep Lee in the brig now that the commander was down.

Tigh’d won the fight. The president was in jail; the vice-president was in sickbay - the secure section where he spent his days rambling about god and a baby and six somethings. The X.O. was largely in charge of all that was left of humanity. But he couldn’t even run the _Galactica_ on his own.

Lee worked his shifts, flew his patrols, and then returned to do his paperwork at his father’s bedside.

That was where he had found her. She was sitting on his chair, her knees pulled up to her chest and she was crying.

He waited for a second to see if the repressed anger would come surging forward now that he was actually confronted with her, but all he felt was relief and concern. He set his clipboard on one of the monitors near the foot of the bed. The last time he’d tried to talk to her – really talk to her, not yell at her for doing things her own way – she’d gotten rude and stormed off. Then he’d hit her and yelled at her and done everything he could to ensure that she _never_ would want to open up to him.

But he couldn’t just let her sit there on her own and shake and sob. Even with her face buried in her knees, he could tell that she was a mess. Her hands were black and blue and scraped. Her hair needed to be washed; there was blood in it. He wondered if it was hers or someone else’s. And she seemed… small.

Knowing that there was every chance in the world that she’d push him away, he walked quietly to her side. “Hey,” he announced himself before kneeling down and pulling her against his chest.

He hadn’t expected to be disappointed when she went willingly into his embrace. He wasn’t even sure what exactly to do with her when her hands wrapped around his uniform jacket and her sobs became louder and more out of control. He’d braced himself for a fight, for a screaming match. He supposed he wanted it, to see a spark of the Starbuck he knew, because this person scared him. He’d never seen her defeated before, and he was sure that was what he was seeing now.

Their position was awkward, so he carefully moved her from the chair to the floor and then onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around her and whispered “Shhh,” over and over again, not sure what else to say.

He realized that the anger wasn’t as far away as he’d thought. It just wasn’t very important. He found that he wanted to be furious with her for leaving the fleet in the lurch. For coming up with a plan to eliminate the basestar and then sabotaging it by going A.W.O.L. He wanted to blame his father’s condition on her, on the fact that Boomer’s programming had been activated because she’d been pegged to take Starbuck’s place in the plan.

But he knew she’d be blaming herself; she didn't need him to paint her a picture in order for her to see the repercussions her choices had. It didn’t make his father get well faster. It didn’t even make him feel better.

She’d been back a day and clearly hadn’t been checked out by the doctors. He wondered again why Tigh hadn’t tossed her in the brig, but wasn’t going to be the one to bring it up. She must have been hiding out somewhere, because if anyone in the barracks had seen her they would have marched her straight to sickbay; if she’d put up a fight, they would have called him. No one else knew that they’d been on the outs lately.

He tucked her hair behind her ear and began rubbing her back through her work shirt. She wasn’t showing any signs of calming any time soon, so he shifted them both into a position that would be comfortable for the long haul.

He knew Kara well enough. He knew that the end of twelve colonies hadn’t resulted in a single tear. But the loss of her world – his father, him - she wouldn’t survive that.

He had no idea how to fix this. Fix her. He didn’t know what had happened when she’d gone back to Caprica. He’d heard vague rumors of a second Boomer-Cylon being on the ship now and something about the recovery of an E.C.O. whose name he either hadn’t heard or couldn’t remember.

“I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.”

Lee realized she was saying something, apologizing, though he wasn’t sure for what. It wasn’t that she didn’t have anything to feel remorse for – more the opposite – he didn’t know where she was starting.

“Shh.” He didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t sure that once she started talking his anger wouldn’t surface and neither of them needed that now.

She began wiping her face with battered hands. Lee reached back to the cabinet near the bed and pulled out a small towel. He wiped her cheeks and eyes and then reached up to grab some tissues off the top. “Here,” he whispered.

Obligingly, Kara blew her nose. “I’m sorry,” she said again. Lee wondered how long it would be before she’d be able to say anything else.

He tilted her head back gently. “Not now, okay. Right now I’m just glad you’re back and okay.” He looked at the bruises on her face and only then noticed how she had one arm wrapped around her ribs. “Well, ‘okay’ may be stretching it. Why don’t we get the doc to take a look at you?”

Kara shook her head. “I’m okay. I’m fine. Really.” She pulled her arm back from where she’d wrapped it around him and crossed it over her chest. Protecting herself. Hugging herself.

Lee pushed her hair back from where it had fallen, revealing a three inch gash on her forehead that looked like it needed stitches at one point, but had healed over, messily, on its own. “Let’s let the doctor be the judge of that, okay? You can sit here, I’ll go get him.”

Her single protest seemed to be all the fight she had in her. Lee sat her up and got to his feet. He reached down a hand to help her stand. He remembered the last time he’d done that and how she’d deliberately ignored him and grabbed the ladder to haul herself up instead. Now she was just sitting there looking at him her hand half way between them. He thought she was going to pull away from him again, but when he looked again, he could see the bruises on her hand; she was trying to figure out how to do this without it hurting.

Lee reached down, his fingers wrapping lightly around her wrist, where there didn’t seem to be any discoloration, and pulled her up. Once she was standing, albeit unsteadily, he wrapped his arms around her and hugged her. He felt her breath hitch as he squeezed too tightly against her abused ribs, but he didn’t let go, only loosened his hold.

After a few seconds, he moved her back to the chair and supported her as she carefully lowered herself into it. “I’ll be right back.” He gently caressed her hair before leaving.

He came back a few seconds later with Doctor Cottle in tow. The doctor made a check of a few of the monitors over the commander’s bed before turning to Starbuck. “Weren’t you supposed to present yourself for a physical some time yesterday?” he asked acerbically. Lee winced at his tone. Kara was calmer now, but he knew she was sitting on the edge. Probably would be for a while.

“I’m fine,” Kara muttered, more because it was expected of her than because she believed it.

“I think I get to decide that, young lady. Come on.” The doctor turned and walked off, the expectation that Starbuck would follow, clear on his face.

Lee gave her a hand, holding her wrist to help her stand again. “Go on. I’ll be right here when you’re done.”

Kara sighed and nodded.

Lee wished she'd told him to ‘frak off’.

+++++++++

Lee’s heart sped up when the doctor came back and asked him to come talk to Kara. She'd seemed beaten, but he’d seen her beaten up before, he hadn’t thought there was anything serious.

She was standing by the exam table pulling on her tank tops when they arrived. Without preamble the doc started talking to Lee in a tone of voice that was clearly meant for her. “She has three cracked ribs, among a large assortment of contusions and abrasions and a couple of lacerations that should really be reopened and stitched. Her knee is torn up again and she has signs of minor radiation sickness.” He clearly wasn’t concerned with breaking doctor/patient confidentiality in order to get Lee on his side. “Nothing is life-threatening, but she is going to be uncomfortable as hell for a while. She needs to spend a few days on a strong analgesic so that her ribs won’t bother her when she breathes and she won’t give herself pneumonia.”

“Pneumonia?” Lee asked.

“With fractured ribs, patients don’t breathe deeply. Hurts like hell, so I don’t blame them. But it’s not good for you, you’ve got to get enough air in and out to prevent infections from taking hold. She needs to take the pills to avoid that.”

“I don’t need any frakking pills,” Kara muttered, struggling to get her work shirt back on.

“And she has a lot of torn and spasmed muscles,” the doctor added, but neither of them complained as Lee helped her get her arm into her sleeve and pulled the shirt up to her shoulders for her.

“She needs rest, and she won’t get it as uncomfortable as she is,” Cottle insisted.

“I don’t need the frakking pills,” she hissed with a little more venom.

Lee leaned against the bed and crossed his arms as he watched her struggle to put her shoes on. “Why not, Kara? You can’t expect us to believe you don’t hurt like hell.”

“It’s fine.” She said quietly.

Lee’s eyebrows drew together. “What’s fine?”

“_I’m_ fine,” Kara clarified, absently. “The pain. It’s not that bad. It’s fine.”

Lee looked over his shoulder at the doctor, his expression asking for a minute alone with her. Cottle shrugged and left.

“You don’t have a problem with pain pills, Kara. What are you doing here?”

“I …” She took a breath and tried again. “It’s okay. I don’t… I can’t…” She squeezed her eyes shut, but didn’t try to finish her sentence.

“You can’t what?” Lee asked quietly.

“Nothing, nevermind.”

“You can’t _what_, Kara?” he asked more emphatically.

“I didn’t mean that, I was just trying to say –“

“Bullshit,” Lee said quietly. She was breathing fast, her hands back around her ribs. “I can see that you’re hurting,” he told her, pointing to where she was literally trying to hold herself together. “You can’t what?”

She pressed her lips together, her eyes flickering in the direction of the commander’s bed. She squeezed her eyes shut, but one tear escaped anyway. She ducked her head but didn’t try to answer Lee’s question.

Lee pinched the bridge of his nose, his breath coming out in a huff as an idea occurred to him. “You can’t be forgiven?” he asked quietly. “You think you deserve this?”

Another tear made its way down her face but she didn’t answer.

“Kara, I’ll be the first to say this is all a frakking disaster, but you getting pneumonia because you can’t breathe right isn’t going to fix a frakking thing.” He wanted to shake some sense into her.

“The fleet’s low on supplies. I’m not hurt that bad. Save them for someone who –“ she faltered for a second. “-who needs them.”

“Who deserves them?” Lee asked critically. “Kara, you really aren’t in any frame of mind to be making decisions like this right now. You’re exhausted, you’re miserable, and if I had to guess you’re scared to death.” He hated to play dirty but she wasn’t leaving him a choice. “And your mom was full of shit. The gods don’t think we should suffer.”

Kara glared at him, the tears drying instantly, anger taking over her expression. “What the hell do you know about it? Or my mom or –“ Lee watched as her fingers curled into a fist and her arm muscles tensed.

Preemptively, he moved up and held her wrists to her side. “I know that she beat the crap out of you and told you that it was your fault. ‘Your punishment for your sins’. And because you were a kid you believed her. And I think deep down, you still do. You think that everything that happens around you is your fault and that you deserve whatever the hell happens to you because of it.” Lee took a deep a breath and spoke more quietly and calmly when he started again, but he was no less emphatic. “It’s all crap, Kara. The level of insanity we’re currently living through… it takes more than one person to set all this in motion. Might things be different if you hadn’t been put between the president and the commander? Maybe. _Probably_. But Boomer was a Cylon from the word ‘go’, that’s not your fault. She would have gone off sooner or later. In fact, I talked to the sergeant-at-arms when they captured her – it, whatever. We think she may have gone off once or twice already, but even she didn’t know it.”

He pulled her into a hug. “The whole frakking universe is not your fault,” he told her gently. “My dad’s gonna be okay. He’ll be glad to have you back. But when he asks to see you, I really don’t want to be the one to explain that you’re stuck in a hospital bed with pneumonia because you refused a couple of pain pills.”

Lee sighed. He’d played every card in his hand. He needed her to meet him part way now. “Okay?”

Looking pretty unhappy at having been manipulated she nodded slowly. “’Kay.” She cleared her throat. “Okay. I won’t argue any more. I’m sorry.”

He carefully hugged her. “It’s okay.”

She pulled back, crossing her arms over her chest and turning away from him. “I have to know, Lee. Why don’t you hate me any more?”

Lee’s eyes got wide as he took in her question. “Wh-What?” It was all he could get out.

“When I left, you hated me. You were so pissed at what I’d done with… And now things are so much worse… Why are you even speaking to me, let alone being this… this _nice_ to me? How is it that you don’t hate me even more now?” Her eyes were dry, but her voice was breaking.

Lee came forward and gently rested his hands on top of her shoulders. “I won’t pretend that we don’t have a lot to talk about. We both know that we do. But I just got six days to find out what my life would be like without you in it in any way, and I’m not ashamed to say that it would suck. A lot. But before we try and hash all that out, you need to get cleaned up, you need to take a pill and you need to get some sleep. We’ll talk,” he promised, “I won’t let you run off on me this time. But I don’t think either of us is up for that right now. Can it just be enough for now for me to say that I don’t hate you, and that it wasn’t even fair of me to be angry in the first place?”

Kara nodded, not letting him see how relieved she was that he didn’t hate her and wasn’t going to let her avoid him. She wasn’t sure she’d have enough strength to go to him, but she figured that if he could come to her, the least she could do was stop running away.

+++++++++

Doctor Cottle handed Lee the bottle of pills when he came back and explained clearly that she was to take one every six hours and two at bed time. He gave Starbuck back the cane she’d finally been able to ditch just two days before she’d leapt for Caprica.

She didn’t argue, which worried Lee, just took the damn thing back and headed for the door.

He thanked the doc and ran to catch her, which wasn’t hard as slowly as she was moving. “Hey!”

She stopped, but didn’t turn around.

“Give me a minute,” he said quietly. “I’ll grab my things from my dad’s room and walk back to quarters with you.”

Kara just nodded and leaned up against the wall.

Lee checked on his dad and collected his paperwork before collecting her and getting her back home.

She didn’t talk on the way back. He knew she was steeling herself for what was to come. Neither of them had any idea what the other pilots would think of her return. Would they be glad to see her? Angry for at her for leaving? Would they be able to tell that the best thing they could do for a while would be to leave her alone? Or would he have to risk Kara getting pissed at him by trying to subtly run them off?

She hesitated at the door, swaying slightly on her feet. Lee rested a hand between her shoulder blades. “You okay?”

She squeezed her eyes shut but nodded her head.

He decided to take her at her word and opened the hatch.

Crashdown was the only person in the bunkroom. He was apparently searching for something in his locker. He glanced over his shoulder to see who’d come in and openly stared at Kara for a minute before coming over to hug her. “Lords of Kobol, I thought they were just rumors. You are back!”

Kara hissed as he squeezed, but made an attempt to hug him back.

“Watch her ribs,” Lee said for her, “she’s had a rough time of it.”

Kara glared at him, but didn’t say anything.

Crash pulled back to look at her. “Yeah, I can see that now,” he said as he pushed her hair out of her face to see the gash over her eye. “You’ve definitely looked better,” he said with a smile, “But I am _really_ frakking glad you’re back.”

Kara looked at his own somewhat battered appearance. “Looks like I’m not the only one who had a run-in with someone’s fist,” she teased, the ghost of a sincere smile playing on her lips.

“Actually first it was a Cylon raider and then gravity, but yeah, I’ve had better days.”

Kara nodded and then shifted a little, wincing and tucking her free arm around her ribs. “I want to hear about it, but… maybe later?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Crashdown said looking her over critically. “Actually I need to get a briefing. You look like you need about a month’s worth of sleep.”

Kara nodded and gave a little half-smile. “A week’s worth at least,” she said with forced humor.

Crashdown hugged her one more time before heading out.

As soon as the door shut, Kara swayed noticeably on her feet. Lee caught her carefully, realizing that acting as normal as possible for that short period of time had really taken it out of her. He took the cane from her, giving her his hand instead; wrapping his other arm around her, he led her to her bunk. “There’s no one else here, Kara. Will you let me help you get settled into bed?” Fortunately it was time to switch from day shift to mids, which meant everyone from their unit was either at a pre-shift briefing or a post-shift debriefing. The bunkroom should be quiet for the better part of an hour.

She made a face, and at first Lee thought she didn’t understand what he’d said, but before he could repeat it she began hobbling towards her locker, “I really need to clean up before I do anything. Gods, how can you even stand to be near me?” She opened her locker and braced herself for the pain of bending down to root out the clothes she wanted.

Lee grabbed her shoulders as she started to stoop. She was on the verge of falling over from exhaustion as it was, but he figured she had to be uncomfortable with blood in her hair and clothes that were tattered and torn and had been inhabited for more than a week straight. He figured a few minutes in the shower wouldn’t tax her unduly as long as she let him help. He noticed how she braced her ribs with her hand as she tried to kneel in front of her locker. “Uh-uh. Stand up. Tell me what you need.”

Kara gasped as she changed directions, straightening back up, the slight bend she’d achieved before Lee stopped her already making her a little sore. “Um… underwear, tanks… I think I have a pair of clean sweatpants in there somewhere…”

Lee dug around, careful not to disturb anything and trying not to see anything he wasn’t actively looking for. People on a battlestar got precious little privacy. Digging around in someone’s locker just wasn’t done. He had permission, of course, but that didn’t mean he needed to be unearthing any secrets she wouldn’t want to get into. One thing he did grab, that she hadn’t specifically asked for was a pair of socks. He’d noticed while holding her hand that her fingers were cold, so if she was cold while fully dressed, once she was wet, she’d be freezing. “Anything else?” he asked before standing.

“Shower bag. It’s on the hook in the back.”

Lee grabbed the mesh bag and closed the door. As they made the slow trek to the head, he said quietly, “You have blood in your hair. Can you get your arms up to wash it out or are you going to need help?”

Leaning on her cane, Kara slowly stretched her free hand up over her head to see. “I think I can manage it.”

Lee nodded. When they got to the long line of shower stalls, Lee put her shower bag on the peg in the stall and set her clothes on the shelf in the adjoining changing cubical. He pulled the curtain to the changing room closed with them both inside.

Kara turned to face him. “I’m fine, Lee, really. I can take a shower by myself. Been doing it for more than twenty-five years now.”

“Normally I wouldn’t have any doubts about that. Today you’re off balance, you’re stiff and you’re still discovering places you hurt. I think I’ll stick close.”

Kara glared at him.

“We’ve lived together on and off since we were seventeen years old. You think you got something under those clothes I haven’t seen yet?”

She had no idea why she laughed at that, but she did. And it felt good.

“Come on, sit here,” he indicated the short bench, “I’ll get your shoes.”

Kara stood looking at him for a long minute before sitting down and trying to be gracious about accepting his help.

Lee pulled off her shoes and socks, noticing the ugly bruising and swelling of her right ankle. Between her knee and her ankle he wondered how she could put weight on that leg at all. He then helped her pull off the workshirt he’d just helped her put on in sickbay earlier. She turned her back before undoing her BDU pants and letting them drop, but took the offered hand to keep her balanced as she stepped out of them. Lee winced at the black and blue marks that covered her legs. He didn’t wait for her to try her tank tops. He’d watched her struggle to get them on in sickbay, and he imagined that getting them on, moving down, had to be easier than trying to reach up and pull them off. While her back was still to him, he took the bottom edges of her tanks and flipped them around inside-out as he pulled them up and helped her get her arms through without too much bending or pulling.

She began shivering in her underwear and bra. Leaning on the wall, she reached forward and turned the shower on, letting it warm up before she stepped in. “Turn around,” she told him, as she pulled her bra straps down her arms.

“Kara, come on,” Lee cajoled wondering why it was funny before but she seemed unsettled now.

“Turn. Around,” she said again, enunciating clearly, but not raising her voice.

“Kara –“ he couldn’t understand why she was going all modest on him now. They’d seen each other undressed countless times in the course of living together in various community bunkrooms.

“Lee, please, I’m trying to be as cooperative as I can, but would you just…” Her voice trailed off her head hung, her arms crossed over her chest, her bra straps down, but the back still fastened.

Lee realized that she was fading pretty quickly, there were tears in her voice that she’d been successfully fighting off since she’d calmed down by his father’s bedside. She was exhausted, in pain and, he realized, severely traumatized. He needed to stop expecting her to act like he was used to. “Okay, okay. I’ll step out until you’re in the shower, but I’m not going far.”

Kara nodded and waited to hear the curtain rustle as Lee stepped out and rustle again as he closed it behind him. She finished undressing and stepped under the warm spray. She kept one hand on the wall for balance and support. The water was warm and the pressure was high enough to feel good on any unbruised skin it could find, when the spray hit the bruises she winced, but held still until she felt at least a little cleaner. She made a quick pass with the soap, hoping that she was at least getting the worst of the blood and dirt off. She started scrubbing at one particular smudge of dirt that was being stubborn until she realized it was a shadow from the overhead lighting hitting the plumbing. She rolled her eyes and dropped her soap back in her shower bag. She knew she was beyond tired, but that was just dumb.

She was careful of the several bruises under her hair, washing it was going to be difficult and she wondered if there was some way to back out of her earlier assessment and get Lee to help. She sighed and leaned forward with both hands against the wall. She knew intellectually that all she had to do was ask. She could turn the water off, ask Lee to hand her a towel to wrap around herself and then ask Lee to help her get the blood and dirt out of her hair. Then she could step back into the shower, hand Lee the towel and rinse off.

Intellectually she knew it could be that easy. Lee had been incredibly gentle with her since her return. If he found a bruise and she winced, he wouldn’t press there again. It could be that easy. But a primal fear deep inside her was afraid that asking for anything, even something he’d already offered, would be too much. That if she let him know how needy she felt that he’d turn his back on her and walk away. Her head hit the wall between her hands with a thump.

“Kara? You okay?”

It could be as simple as saying, “I’m fine, just having problems getting my hair washed,” she thought.

“Fine. I’m fine. I’m just going to wash my hair.” It was as close as she could get to the truth.

“Let me know if you need any help. Your arms seemed a little stiff when you were getting your tanks off.”

There it was, another opportunity. All she needed to say was, “Yeah, they are. Would you mind…?”

“I’m fine. It just might take me a few minutes.”

She stayed pressed against the wall, the water streaming over her back.

After several long minutes, she stood up straighter, feeling every vertebra in her back protest as she did, and pulled the small bottle of shampoo out of her toiletries kit. She squeezed some into her hand and managed to get her hand up to the top of her head before the spasm hit. Her arm locked up, the muscles in the juncture of her neck and shoulder shrank and froze. She couldn’t help but gasp.

“Kara?” Lee asked again, alarm evident in his voice. He’d heard her. Frak.

“Muscle spasm. It’s no big deal.” She managed to slide her hand down from the top of her head to the painfully tight muscle where her shoulder and neck joined. She tried to put some pressure on it to get it to release, but it wasn’t going.

“Kara, let me see.”

His voice was closer now, like he’d moved from the bench to right next to the curtain.

“Frak.” Kara couldn’t think of a way out of it. She couldn’t get the damn muscle to release and she couldn’t wash her hair if she couldn’t move her arm. She wrenched off the water with her free hand. “Hand me a towel.”

Lee stuck a towel through the curtain without looking, thankfully without arguing. Holding the edge of it under her chin, she managed to get it wrapped around her body with one hand. She couldn’t get the edge tucked in, so she held it closed with her free hand. “All right,” she said reluctantly.

Lee pushed the curtain aside, frowning at the way she was holding her neck. “Still spasmed?” he asked, carefully pulling her arm down to her side and feeling along the top of her shoulder, carefully mapping out the hard muscle with his fingertips. Her head dropped down sideways, trying to keep the muscle from pulling as her arm was lowered.

“Yeah,” she said, hissing on the end of the word when he pressed at the center of the knot.

“This may hurt a bit,” he warned as he began a massage of the offended muscle. After a few minutes he pressed her head the other way, away from the pulled muscle. She didn’t protest too much so he guided her into turning her head back and forth a few times while he pressed down on her shoulder with his other hand. “Better?”

Kara rolled her shoulder, testing it. There was a lingering soreness, but no longer any acute pain. “Mm-hm,” she muttered, staring at the tiles. “Thanks.”

Lee pulled his hands away and found the right one covered in something green and slimy. “I take it you were washing your hair when this happened?”

She had a vague memory of having told him that already, but before she could make a remark to that effect she glanced up and saw her shampoo dripping down his hand. She winced apologetically.

“Ah, hell with it,” Lee laughed. “While I’m here, I might as well see about getting that blood out of your hair, since you can’t see it.”

Kara closed her eyes and turned her back to him, letting him do so, sending up a silent prayer of thanks to whichever God had put that bug in his ear. She’d so desperately wanted his help, but just couldn’t bring herself to ask him for anything.

Lee’s fingers were sure, but gentle. Once he’d gotten her hair all lathered up he used his fingernails to dislodge the dried blood and then used the pads of his fingers to gently scrub out any remaining dirt, deftly avoiding any areas that made her wince or hiss. And then, just because he could, and she was likely to be too sore to hit him, he stood the shorter layers of her hair on end in little spikes, the shampoo acting like styling glue to hold them up.

Kara tried to roll her eyes up far enough to see the top of her own head. “What?” she asked when she saw the silly look on his face.

He didn’t say anything, just stared at the top of her head.

Kara shifted the edge of the towel into her other hand and lifted her good hand carefully to touch the top of her head, feeling the spikes. She flattened them out with her palm and glared at him wondering where he found the energy or disposition to be silly after everything they’d been through. “I need to rinse off,” she said quietly before shutting the curtain again and handing him the towel from her side.

A few minutes later Kara was asking for her towel again, wrapping it around herself and managing to tuck in the corner this time before opening the curtain. Lee was waiting there with another towel. He got her seated on the small bench and carefully patted her skin dry, noting and cataloging the different bruises, cuts and scrapes, any trace of his previously found humor gone in light of them. “How do you feel?” he asked softly.

“Better. At least I don’t feel like my skin is going to crawl right off my bones any more.”

“Good. ‘Cause, you know… you look like hell.” He’d meant the comment to be flip, but couldn’t keep the worry out of his voice.

“Thanks a lot.”

He couldn’t tell if she was really pissed or not. “I-I just mean that… the doctor gave me the list of your injuries, Kara. I’m just worried that maybe you should be spending the night in sickbay where they can keep an eye on you.”

Her face went cold. “I’m fine,” she bit out. “I don’t need anyone frakking hovering over me. I just need some sleep.” She reached for the stack of clothes on the end of the bench she was sitting on, but froze up as she tried to stretch out an arm that still wasn’t cooperating.

Lee wondered if the hovering comment was directed at him. Even if it was, he wasn’t sure what to do about it. She’d shown many times that she really wasn’t able to take care of herself. “Kara…”

She dropped her head, the brief moment of pique costing her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I didn’t mean you. In sickbay the damn nurses come in every two hours to wake you up to see if you’re sleeping okay. I really don’t have the patience for that kind of crap right now. I appreciate your help. I’ll take the stupid pills, but I just want to sleep in my own bed. For a long time.”

Lee smiled at her, glad she wasn’t getting pissed at him. He picked up the extra towel and carefully rubbed the extra water out of her hair and then helped her get her feet into her underwear. He tugged them up to her knees before helping her stand and turning his back so she could finish pulling them up under her towel. He carefully pulled her tanks over her head and helped her maneuver her arms through the holes and pulled them over the top of the towel.

Kara pulled the towel out from under the shirts and let it drop to the floor. She needed to get up and put her sweatpants on, and possibly get her sweatshirt out of her locker, she was starting to shake again, but it was suddenly just so much _effort_.

“Almost there, Kara,” Lee whispered quietly from where he’d knelt down in front of her. “Here, I got you some socks, slide down to this end of the bench so you don’t get them wet when you stand up.” She shifted painfully to the edge of the bench closest to the outer curtain. Her eyes were closing of their own volition and she didn’t even realize she was drifting to the left until Lee caught her arm. “Sit up!” he said urgently. “You don’t want fall off this bench. It’s not long enough to lay on. C’mon, I’ll get your socks on for you, we’ll get you in your sweats and then we can get you tucked into bed.”

Kara nodded listlessly and let Lee do what he’d outlined. She knew she should be insisting that she could take care of herself, but she just didn’t have the strength to both stay upright and talk. Nevermind if he actually believed her and expected her to dress herself.

She was almost asleep sitting up when Lee hauled her into a standing position and pulled her sweats up over her hips. She didn’t remember him putting her feet in them, but apparently he had. She wondered if she had, in fact, drifted off for a minute. She was leaning against his chest and once he had her waistband straightened out, his arms had slipped up to simply hold her against him, one hand remaining around her waist, the other rubbing her back through her tanks. “Ready for bed?” he asked rhetorically. She was damn near literally asleep on her feet. She nodded against him and let him lead her back to her bunk.

Halfway to the door she realized all her crap was still in the shower stall. “My stuff…” she muttered, pulling away to go after it.

Lee pulled her back, “Your clothes are already in the hamper. I’ll come back to get your shower bag once you’re in bed.”

Kara made a face at needing him to do yet one more thing for her, but she just couldn’t find the strength to argue, so she just nodded instead.

Lee held her hand, his arm locked to give her the support her weak knee and ankle needed until they made it back to her bunk. Once there, they both sat on the edge of the rack, while Lee pulled the blankets back. Once they were at the foot of the bed, Kara leaned back and Lee pushed her feet around until her head was on the pillow and her feet were up on the mattress instead of hanging off onto the floor. He pulled her pills out of his pocket. “Don’t fall asleep yet, Kara. I’m going to get you some water so you can take your pills.” He pulled her blankets up around her shoulders and then went into her locker looking for the mug she’d have in there somewhere with her toothbrush. He found it, emptied it of the toothbrush, toothpaste, comb and whatever the hell else she had in there and went to fetch some water.

She was just this side of awake when Lee came back. He helped her sit enough to swallow two of the pills (which she did without even a token complaint) and then laid her back against the pillow.

For a long time he just sat there with her, watching her, marveling in her return and her seeming willingness not to hold it against him that he’d been such an asshole the last few times she’d seen him. Funny how your whole world ending – again – could make a person see what’s truly important.

+++++++++

_There were only a few people left. Twelve, she remembered. There had been twelve people left when she’d been sent out to destroy Colonial One. They’d been leaving a trail of ship-particles across the galaxy as the population shrank and shrank, causing them to consolidate and then destroy the ships that were manned only by corpses. She hated the duty. She’d done it more than once and every time, just as her thumb grazed the firing control she had the nagging thought that someone could still be left alive, hiding in a closet or under a blanket. What if someone was left and she destroyed them?_

_But every time, she sited her target, closed her eyes and fired. She opened her eyes to a fireball that was a thousand times brighter and more vivid than any sun she’d ever seen. And every time, she swore she heard screams._

_She shook off the memories and popped the hatch. She removed her helmet and slid down the side of her ship. There was no more flight crew to pull a ladder up when a pilot landed._

_She ran through her maintenance check and began refueling her fighter. She was surprised that no one came down to meet her. Even with the few people left, someone usually came to talk to her while she did her post-flight. She’d been the last pilot for over six days, which meant that she ate little, slept less and flew as much as her body could stand. She wasn’t on deck very much and she, like the few other survivors, tried to take comfort in the company of any other human being as often as possible. She and Tigh had even managed a sort of strained truce._

_A cool breeze swept through the hangar and she shivered. Something was making her anxious. For the past month people had been dying in droves and she had been adjusting, once again, to being one of so few survivors. So much time in her cockpit, with only D. or Tigh’s occasional order or comment as her only companionship, she was starting to become immune to her own loneliness._

_After all it was her fault._

_She had no idea that besides nuking the hell out of Caprica, the Cylons had seeded the air with a virus. She had no idea that when she’d returned with Boomer and Helo that the three of them would become walking sources of contamination and that within fifteen hours of contact with one of them, ninety-nine and a half percent of all humans fell ill, and suffered a thirteen-day slow death._

_They’d thought at first that the second Boomer was the cause, and had jettisoned her out the airlock. When that didn’t stop the contamination, Doctor Cottle had insisted on testing her and Helo. When word got back that they were the carriers, Helo had killed himself in order to try and stop the disease at the source. But Kara had known it was too late. The plague was spreading and there was no way to stop it._

_With her Viper maintenance done, she headed for CIC. No one was there. A panic began to set in and she began running through the corridors, searching every room, every crawl space, every single place large enough for a person to fit. No one was there. No one living. Every three or four rooms she’d find a corpse or two. Lifeless eyes staring up from most. A few looked like their faces had melted like some kind of movie special effect._

_She began the search again. And again. And again. She refused to believe she was the only human left in the universe. “It can’t be me, it can’t be me, it can’t be me.”_

_She opened the hatch to her bunkroom and stepped through. As she crossed to her bunk, she felt an ice-cold hand grab her arm. The reality that all of humanity had died sank in quickly and she realized that the only thing that could be grabbing her would have to be a Cylon. Or a corpse. Could the dead be looking for vengeance? Were the Cylons about to achieve total victory? “Get the frak away from me!” She turned, putting all of her weight into her right cross._

“Ow shit! Kara!”

She blinked. She was in her bed, not next to it. And she could hear the random night noises made by a room of twenty people. Her breathing was fast and her right hand hurt.

She hung her head and tried to figure out what had happened.

Her curtain had been pulled part way back and from between her fingers she could see Lee pulling himself off the floor. She squinted at him, trying to figure out what he was doing there and why he was holding his jaw.

Lee frowned at her as he stood up and moved back towards her. “If I sit back down am I going to get hit again?” he asked ruefully.

Kara flexed her right hand, grimacing at the way her knuckles felt like they were starting to swell. That was when she noticed that two of the cuts on her knuckles she’d gotten on Caprica had split back open. She hung her head. “Oh gods…” The general despair and terror of the dream came back to her and she pulled her good knee up to her chest and buried her face. As she squeezed her eyes shut she saw herself running through the _Galactica _tossing over furniture and screaming, hoping to find at least one other person alive. One other human survivor. She felt her stomach flip-flop unpleasantly.

Lee sat back on the edge of her rack, gently reaching out to stroke her hair. “Must have been one hell of a nightmare,” he said quietly.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” she hated how often she seemed to need to say that lately. She reached up to touch his jaw, see what kind of damage she’d done.

Lee deliberately pulled his hand away from his jaw and Kara could see where a red spot threatened to blossom into wicked bruise.

“We’ve given each other worse with a lot less reason,” Lee consoled. Kara pulled her hand back and buried her face again. “Want to tell me about it?”

The images of empty room after empty room, exploding ship after exploding ship lit up behind her eyelids and she found herself with no idea where to start. She felt the emotions of the dream acutely, but had no idea if there were words that would even come close to capturing them.

But Lee deserved something. Some kind of explanation for her unprovoked assault. She opened her mouth, but still couldn’t find the words. She closed it and tried again, but still couldn’t capture the extreme isolation and devastation of the dream in words.

Lee slid up onto the bed with her and pulled the curtain shut. “Don’t worry about it,” he said as she tried to force herself to say something. “When you’re ready, I’ll listen. Until then, let’s just get you settled back in. Come on, lay down.” He offered her a hand to brace herself against as she lay back down. She allowed him to get her settled in and sighed as he pulled the blankets up to her chin, smoothing first the blankets and then her hair.

She cleared her throat, tried to speak again, afraid that if she didn’t give him a reason to stay he’d go. And even through she could still hear Crashdown’s slight snoring from the bunk across from hers, could still hear someone shuffle off to the head, she _knew _that if he left, she’d be alone in the universe once again. “I was all by myself,” she finally managed to grate out.

Lee nodded. “Can I ask who you were swinging at, then?”

Kara remembered the ice cold of the hand on her bicep, such a complete contrast to the warmth of Lee’s hand on hers. She sighed. “Either a Cylon or…” she stopped herself. He’d think she was nuts if she finished that thought.

“A Cylon or what?” Lee asked gently.

She shook her head.

“It was a bad dream, Kara. It’s all right.”

She wasn’t sure if he was letting her off the hook or telling her that he wouldn’t think she was crazy. She looked up at him, and found him looking back expectantly. Apparently it was an attempt to communicate the latter.

“Or someone who was dead. Everyone was… there were a lot of…” She felt her breath speed up even more and wondered for a second if she was on her way to hyperventilating. “I can’t. Lee, I can’t.”

He must have seen something in her eyes that convinced him that she really wasn’t up to the discussion at that point. “Okay. It’s okay,” he whispered

“I’m okay, now. Thanks,” she said quickly, knowing he was going to go and hoping that if she made it sound like her idea, it would hurt less.

“Okay,” Lee said, but he didn’t sound convinced. “How about if I stay until you’re asleep again?”

Kara tried to drag up a calm enough voice to insist that she was fine so that he’d go. She was still desperately afraid of being alone, but again, couldn’t ask him for what she wanted. What she needed. She told herself that he didn’t really want to stay, but polite convention demanded that he ask. She didn’t want to force him into something he was only offering out of obligation. Lee was one of the good guys; he’d stay if she asked, even if it was the last thing he wanted to do.

“Hm?” Lee asked quietly, when she didn’t respond. “Why don’t you roll over and I’ll rub your back until you drop off.”

It had been years since he’d offered to do that for her. When they’d been at the academy and she’d gotten all worked up about a test or flight evaluation or if someone got under her skin at a card game, she’d end up pacing the floors all hours of the night. She didn’t remember how he’d come upon it, but at some point he’d learned that if he could get her to lie down and let him rub his hand over her back in circles and in random patterns, just a touch to comfort, he could get her to sleep in less than an hour. Every time. No matter how upset she’d been.

She knew that nothing she’d been worked up over at the academy was going to come close to either the dream she’d just had or, worse, her current reality. It might not work this time, but she was so exhausted and feeling so fragmented that she couldn’t say no. She needed it too much. Her walls crumbled and she hoped fervently that he wasn’t humoring her. She hoped with all her heart that he really did care for her as much as he seemed to, because she knew that it would be very easy to become comfortable with, if not dependant on, the kind of kindness and support he’d offered since the moment he’d laid eyes on her in sickbay.

She shifted until she was on her belly, hugging her pillow to her chest. She felt Lee stretch out next to her and before he even touched her, she found herself starting to unknot.

“Just close your eyes,” he whispered.

She prayed quietly to the gods that this time she’d sleep dreamlessly. And that Lee wouldn’t remember that he should hate her in the morning.

  
Kara slept through to the next morning. Lee wondered if he was supposed to wake her up for her medication, but decided that since she was sleeping, she couldn’t have been in an unbearable amount of pain.

He’d barely slept. Anyone moving or making noise had him instantly alert, listening from his bunk to be sure she was okay.

He had no idea what came next. She was back. She was hurt and she was an emotional wreck, and he had no idea what to do with her. He toyed with the edge of his blanket wondering when she’d become his responsibility. He decided the ‘when’ didn’t really matter. She was. Maybe he was just continuing the pattern his dad had started when he’d brought her to the Galactica after she crashed and burned following Zak’s death.

Maybe he just wanted to be responsible for her. If he became the one who looked out for her, he might just be the one she came to when she needed someone. And maybe, when the walls came down a little, when she let him in, he’d be able to work up the nerve to tell her how he really felt. Explain his idiocy the day after Colonial Day. His blindness on Colonial Day.

But then again, if she didn’t return those feelings things would get awkward fast. She was already acting different around him – refusing to change in front of him, accepting his help without wise remarks or several flat-out refusals. She was actually easier to handle in her current condition and he hated that beyond the telling of it. He never thought he’d see a day where he wished for Kara to be less cooperative, more sarcastic and a bigger pain in the ass than he knew what to do with.

Someone rattled his curtain. “Captain Adama, sir?”

Lee didn’t immediately recognize the voice. Most of the pilots in their unit were up and getting dressed for their shift, but the voice didn’t seem to match anyone he bunked with. He shoved the curtain out of his way. “Costanza?”

“Sorry, sir, I thought you’d be up.” Hot Dog shifted nervously for a second.

“I’m up,” Lee confirmed, “What did you need?”

“Um… Cat and I were talking last night and we heard that Starbuck’s back. Someone saw her and said that she’s…” Costanza broke off and looked over to where Kara was sleeping. “I just wanted to tell you, sir, that if you want me to take the patrol you’re scheduled for this morning, I can. I don’t have a shift today. And Cat said that if you’re worried about any of us not getting a day of downtime, she’d split the shift with me. Three or four extra hours won’t kill any of us.”

Lee dropped his head back onto his pillow weighing the pros and cons. Tigh would be pissed if they started screwing with the duty roster just so a sick pilot could have a friend around when she woke up. But to Lee there was no better reason to do exactly that. He didn’t like to think of Kara waking up and finding that he’d left to go on a routine patrol; that he’d left her. Of course, once she’d gotten some sleep, she might not want to be coddled any more either. She’d barely tolerated some of his attention the night before and she truly hadn’t been able to take care of herself. He didn’t give a damn what Tigh thought, he decided, but he wasn’t sure what Kara would want.

He realized Hot Dog was looking at him, waiting for an answer. “Let’s do this,” he said slowly, “For right now, switch shifts with me. If she’s okay today, I’ll take your shift tomorrow. It should keep Colonel Tigh from having a fit about rearranging schedules and pilot downtime. I can’t imagine she’ll tolerate being baby-sat much more than another day.” Actually, he had no idea how long she was going to remain so compliant, but he was praying she’d snap out of her current funk sooner rather than later.

Hot Dog smiled, apparently impressed that Apollo thought she’d tolerate it for even one day. “Yes sir.” He turned to leave.

“Hey Hot Dog,” Lee called out as he left. “Thanks. And tell Cat thanks too.”

Hot Dog turned around and gave a quick salute. “If there’s anything else any of us can do…” he said.

"I'll let you know," Lee told him as he turned to the hatch.

Lee closed his curtain against the sounds of the other pilots on the day shift getting up and getting ready. He knew they were being as quiet as possible in deference to Starbuck, but there was still enough noise to keep him from falling back asleep. He realized he was smiling as he pulled the blankets back up to his ears. So far, so good, as far as Kara’s return went. Everyone seemed glad to have her back and seemed aware of the fact that she wasn’t exactly her usual, gregarious self. He wasn’t stupid enough to think that this wasn’t a honeymoon period, but he’d take any break he could get before all hell broke loose.

A few minutes later, the pilots had cleared out, leaving them alone in the bunkroom once more. Lee lay still for another hour hoping to fall back asleep now that he didn’t need to get up. When it became obvious that he wouldn’t be getting any more sleep, Lee slid out of his bunk and grabbed some clean clothes and headed for the shower. He could work on paperwork until Kara got up and then they could both go get some breakfast - or lunch depending on how long she slept - and go see his dad.

+++++++

She was sitting on the edge of her bed, head in her hands when he came back from his quick shower. He didn’t even get a chance to say ‘good morning’ before she looked up at him, her eyes narrowed and cold.

“So you’re blowing off your shift to ‘baby-sit’ me?”

Lee rolled his eyes. She wasn’t supposed to have heard that. Both he and Hot Dog knew he hadn’t meant that in a derogatory sense, but there was no way she wasn’t going to read this the worst way possible.

“You know I didn’t mean it like that,” he said quietly.

Kara levered herself up with her cane in one hand and the other on the ladder. “I think you did. I think you somehow got the impression last night that I’ve come back all beaten up and traumatized and that I can’t take care of myself any more.” She hobbled to her locker, throwing clothes on her bed.

Lee counted backwards from ten in his head. He wasn’t going to give her the fight she was spoiling for. “I think you are beaten up. And if you’re not a little affected by everything that’s gone on around here lately, then you’re even more crazy than Doctor Baltar – and he’s in restraints in sickbay because he’s gone completely 'round the bend.”

Kara glared at him and looked very much like she was contemplating throwing the shoe in her hand at his head.

It took Lee a minute to realize exactly why that was the wrong thing to have said. He fell into one of the chairs at the table. “Ah frak it, Kara. I do not want to have a fight with you. And I don’t think you want to fight with me either. I wasn’t alluding to… before… the thing with the vice-president… He’s just the best example of ‘crazy’ the fleet has right now. If you’re feeling the need to prove that you can take care of yourself, knock yourself out. I don’t doubt it. But just in case we’re both wrong, I’m going to stay down today and do paperwork. Just in case.”

Kara let the shoe drop the floor and sank back onto her bed. “Why in the name of the gods do you put up with me? I had no reason to flip out like that. After everything I’ve done, I’m lucky you’re even speaking to me. After everything you did for me last night… Lee…” she sighed. “You’d be well within your rights if you smacked me in the head right now.”

Lee got up and sat next to her, his arm around her shoulders. “I think that hard head of yours has had about as many blows as it can take for a while.”

“Maybe that’s what this was. Can I blame that little outburst on head trauma?”

Lee laughed. “Sure. It’s as good an excuse as any other.”

Kara sobered, “There is no excuse. Lee, I’m really sorry.”

Lee closed his eyes as he remembered the last time she’d said those same words. Captain, I’m really sorry. And he’d known at that time that she was, and not just about her end run around him to Tigh. He squeezed her arm lightly. “It’s okay. Feeling better this morning?”

Kara took a mental inventory. “Stiff. I think I slept in one position all night. My stomach’s a little upset… Nothing major.”

Lee frowned. He doubted Kara’d admit if there were anything major. He’d just have to keep an eye on her. “Why don’t we get dressed and go see if there’s anything decent for breakfast?”

Kara nodded, albeit unenthusiastically. “Sure.”

Lee had offered to help her with her shoes again, but she’d refused and this time he could tell she meant it. His previous expectations of her emotional state her were becoming more and more useless. He liked being the person she relied on. It had felt good to take care of her the night before. He liked the way she held on to him when he held her. The way she’d accepted his help (even if he’d had to offer three or four times before she finally gave in). The way he somehow seemed to help her stay calm, more relaxed. There was something positive in her taking charge again, taking care of herself as she always had, but all the same, he’d liked being depended on.

+++++++++

The honeymoon ended that afternoon. The E.C.O. she’d recovered was cleared for light duty by Dr. Cottle and had come down to present himself to the CAG. Lee found Helo to be good guy, if a little cautious; but after being the last human on Caprica for more than two months, after being betrayed by the ‘woman’ he’d fallen in love with, that was more than expected. Helo had explained a little about how Kara’d rescued him, told him that he and Kara had been good friends before the war. Lee had thought it would be a good idea then, for the three of them to go get lunch together. He had no idea how a lunch invitation had turned into a knock-down drag-out fight. To further frustrate him, she’d been incredibly hurt that he’d decided to get dinner alone while he sat with his dad.

The next day it was about something missing out of her locker. Lee was sure no one had disturbed her locker and she wouldn’t even specify what she was looking for so there had been another blow up. The day after that he’d literally had to get between her and Tigh when Tigh had been dressing down one of her nuggets for coming in too hot. He wasn’t sure what it was that was keeping her out of the brig, but he knew that whatever thread she was hanging by had to be getting pretty thin by that point.

Most nights she cried herself to sleep and Lee was left trying to guess whether or not it was better to try and sit with her or if he’d get belted again, this time on purpose. He remembered wishing for her to be more difficult, more Starbuck-like. He looked up to the gods and mumbled, “This wasn’t quite what I meant.”

Every day there was something that left Lee feeling more and more like she might not ever be the person who left for Caprica in Cylon Raider. Even when she was right next to him, he found himself missing her.

Lee had to admit that Kara had reached the end of her rope. It was a good thing she wasn’t medically cleared for flight, because that meant he didn’t have to revoke her flight status until she passed a psych evaluation.

It had been four days since he’d found her at his father’s bedside, five since she’d returned and she was nothing like okay. She claimed she lay around in bed all day because the pain pills made her tired, but she wasn’t actually sleeping. The first night she had hidden, so he didn’t know if she had slept at all or not. The last three she’d had nightmares that woke half the room and she’d been physically unable to talk about any of them.

She came down twice a day to sit with the commander, but Lee never saw her go anywhere else on her own. She only went to eat when he or Crashdown or Helo dragged her to the mess. And even then she only poked at her food, claiming alternately that the mild radiation sickness or the pills were making her nauseous.

On her fifth day back, the commander finally opened his eyes.

Lee had been working on fuel consumption reports at his bedside when the Old Man finally groaned and blinked.

Of course, the first thing he did was ask for a status report, but he’d fallen asleep again before Lee had a chance to finish it.

A few hours later he’d woken again, pleased to see his son still at his side. He asked to see Colonel Tigh and, once he’d heard she’d returned, Starbuck.

Knowing that it was better for all concerned, Lee called Tigh down first. He’d call Kara once Tigh returned to CIC. The two of them in a room together wouldn’t do anyone’s blood pressure any good.

Tigh had explained that not long after Starbuck returned, they’d rescued the crew of the Raptor and then jumped away from the Cylons. They were currently orbiting a large gas giant, waiting for him to give the next order.

He had nodded at the update, but didn’t seem interested in giving any orders right away.

Tigh only stayed a few minutes, for which Lee was grateful. His father was on the mend, but still seemed tired. Frail. He didn’t need the burden of command put back on his shoulders quite so soon. Once he’d left, he’d gotten on the phone and called up to quarters to tell Kara the good news.

He had to give her a lot of credit for the performance she gave the Old Man. She smiled and teased, gave her standard, “You should see the other guy” reply when he asked about the cuts and bruises on her face.

She made him smile and he squeezed her hand. Lee had hoped that that would be the start of her healing, but it was at that point that he could feel her starting to shake. She managed through a polite good-bye and kept her head up as she left, but once she was around the corner, Lee could see her start to run down the corridor.

He thought his father had fallen back asleep, but when he looked back, the Old Man had an indulgent smile on his face. “Go find out what’s wrong with her,” he said quietly. “I’m just going back to sleep.”

Lee waited until he was sure that his father was, in fact, asleep before leaving. The doctors had said things would improve rapidly once his father regained consciousness. He certainly hoped so, because Kara seemed to be going downhill faster every day.

++++++++

He found her exactly where he expected to. In her rack, the curtain closed. He could hear her muffled sobs from the doorway. Helo was floating around the room, clearly concerned for her, but not sure what to do. It occurred to Lee that he really should take the time to have Helo explain more about what had happened on Caprica, but he’d have to table that for now.

Helo looked pretty glad to have someone come in and make the decision on whether or not to approach her for him. Lee nodded to him. “Thanks,” he said glad that she hadn’t been completely alone while he’d waited for his father to fall back asleep. “Do me a favor,” he said as he threw his uniform jacket on his own bunk, “Close the door on the way out and if you see anyone headed this way, wave them off.”

Helo nodded. “Yes, sir.”

Lee took a deep breath and pushed her curtain back and seated himself on the edge of her bunk. “Kara, he’s going to be okay. The docs say that now that he’s awake, he’ll get better pretty quickly. He’ll be tired and, you know, sore; he’s been in bed for ten days, but he’s strong. You probably know that better than I do.”

She just nodded against her pillow.

There was a long silence.

“Talk to me,” he whispered, out of things to say, not even knowing what kinds of questions to ask any more.

She sniffled once and dragged the back of her hand under her nose before turning to face him. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Lee realized she truly had no idea where to start.

“He’s going to be okay,” he said again for lack of anything better.

She nodded again. “I’m so glad. Gods, Lee…” Her eyes teared up again. “If something I had done… If it was my fault someone else…After what I did to Zak -”

“Boomer shot my father,” Lee said clearly. “She was a Cylon and she shot him.”

“Because I wasn’t there!” Kara finally exploded. “Because I was mad at him for lying to me – to us. Nevermind that he had a good reason. I was pissed, and I left and because I wasn’t there to help pull off my plan, Boomer got tagged with the mission and she was compromised. She wasn’t any good as a sleeper agent for them any more, so they had nothing to lose by turning her loose!”

Lee wanted to stop her, talk her down, but this was the first time she’d actually talked to him since that first day in sickbay.

“Gods, Lee, when he realizes that… He took me in up here when I had nothing left on Caprica. He forgave me for Zak, which I still don’t understand, but when he starts to realize what I… He won’t forgive me again. And I don’t expect him to, really, I’m just… I have no where to run to this time.”

She actually got calmer as she spoke, resignation taking over frustration and grief.

Lee took her hand in his. He lightly stroked his thumb over the healing scratches on her knuckles. He had no idea what to say. There was an outside possibility that his father would blame her once he was alert enough to put together all the pieces. He really didn’t know. He’d long ago acknowledged that she knew his father far better than he did.

He sighed. Most days, she knew him better. Her depression was coloring everything these days. Which left him with no idea what to say to her.

Kara was looking at him. With dry eyes and a calm voice, she just said, “Right,” and turned her back to him.

Panicking, Lee grabbed her shoulder and turned her back to him. She’d mistaken his silence for agreement. “Kara… I wish I knew what to say,” he told her honestly. “My gut reaction is that he seemed awfully glad to see you tonight and to know you were back and okay, which means that whatever stuff you two have to work out, you will. You’re mad because he lied, he may be mad because you went A.W.O.L., but I don’t think he would have been smiling at you tonight if he hated you.” He let his hand slide up her shoulder until he could caress her cheek with the back of his fingers. “Look how many times we’ve been mad at each other, and we always manage to get over it. And you’re the one who’s always bitching that my father and I are so much alike.” He was actually smiling by the time she met his eyes. He realized that as he’d been talking, he’d been convincing himself as well as her.

The idea of being stuck between them if there was any kind of long-term animosity made him ill. He was just getting his relationship with his father back on track, thanks, mostly, to her. And during the six days she’d been gone, he’d finally stopped hiding the truth from himself. He loved her. There was no two ways about it. He wasn’t sure if she’d ever allow herself to love him back, but he realized that he had to stop lying to himself if he ever wanted to stop lying to her and find out. He couldn’t bear the idea of being caught between them.

He didn’t really expect her to take as much comfort from his words as she apparently did. She pulled her hand up and scrubbed her eyes. “Gods, I hope you’re right.” She sniffled. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever cried this much in my life. People have really started to think I’ve lost it, haven’t they?

There was wry humor in her voice, but Lee could tell there was a disguised urgency in her tone. She was starting to worry about what people thought; maybe she was even starting to worry about herself a little. Lee couldn’t help but think that was a good sign. “Kara,” he said slowly, trying to remain serious, “People thought you lost it a long time ago.” He let himself laugh as she swatted his arm.

She smiled up at him, and Lee realized how desperately he’d missed that look.

“In all seriousness,” he said quietly, “Yeah, people have been a little worried. We know you aren’t feeling so great, but you’ve been so withdrawn and pissed at the universe.” He stroked her hair. “You have a lot of friends, Kara. They just want to be sure you’re gonna be okay.”

In the face of Lee’s sincerity she couldn’t even give her standard reply to any show of concern. She wasn’t fine. She knew it. “I don’t know. I may not know until I get to talk to him.”

Lee nodded. “That’s fair. It’s honest. I need you to stay this honest with me. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to be scared. You don’t need to lie to me about that. All right?”

She pushed herself up into a sitting position and reached forward to hug him. Lee wrapped his arms around her, still mindful of her ribs, he held on tight, one hand skimming up and down her back. They both held on for a long time, neither speaking, though Lee sent a silent prayer that this was the beginning of her healing, that he might yet get her back. He realized he’d never prayed so much in his life. But between his father and her, he’d never had so much reason to reach for and accept any help he could get.

After a long while he lifted one hand to tip her chin up. “Why don’t you go wash your face and we’ll see if we can still grab a late dinner?” he suggested.

She pulled back. “I… I still… my stomach’s still not so great.” She stared at her lap.

Lee pushed her hair out of her face. “Your stomach’s not so great because you aren’t eating.” He pulled the bottle of pills off the small shelf over her bunk. Pointing to the label he read, “Take with food.” Kara rolled her eyes and took the bottle out of his hand and slammed it back on the shelf.

“Fine,” she agreed with a sigh, “I’ll go eat.”

Lee had never been so glad to see her roll her eyes at him in his life. It was just possible that she’d survive this after all. And, he decided, that just maybe there was someone out there answering the prayers of frustrated and frightened sons and best friends.

++++++++

  
A week later the commander was talking short walks through the corridors and working from his own quarters. He still fatigued quickly, and Tigh had quietly passed the word that anything he did or ordered should be double-checked, just in case, but so far he seemed to be improving nicely.

Lee had come in to give him the CAP schedules for the next few days and check up on him when his father waved him into a chair.

“Has Tigh grounded Starbuck?”

Lee took a deep breath. He’d been waiting for this to come up. Now that it had, he found that he couldn’t read his father, and had no idea what tack to take. “Kara’s still on medical restriction. She’s still on pain pills – back on pain pills – for her knee, so she won’t be cleared until she’s off them.”

Adama didn’t say anything.

Lee got impatient. “Do you want her grounded even once she’s cleared?”

“What did we do to her, Lee?” his father asked after a minute.

“Sir?”

“I won’t pretend I don’t feel like she deserted us. But I recognize that she was put in an untenable position. She would never have followed the president’s ‘suggestion’, if I hadn’t given her cause to doubt me. I never questioned her loyalty, and she never questioned my integrity. Until I gave her a reason to.”

Lee put the schedules on the desk and ran his fingers through his hair. “She’s beating herself up over all this. She blames herself for Boomer getting activated, for you being shot… all of it. She’s decided that it would only be fair if you hated her, took away her wings, put her in the brig… whatever.”

“I figured. She’s been avoiding me.”

Lee nodded; he knew that. He’d called her on it a few times, but she’d just shut down and refused to talk to him about anything.

“You two need to talk,” Lee said as if it weren’t the most obvious thing in the universe.

“I don’t know what to say to her,” Adama admitted.

“_Do_ you blame her? ‘Cause either way, you need to tell her. She’s in this emotional limbo that’s tearing her apart.” Lee wondered if this was how Kara had felt when trying to pull him and his father together. He hated the feeling of breaking a confidence, but at the same time he was just so hopeful that doing so would yield positive results.

“It would have been easier if she hadn’t done what she did. I can’t ignore that. But at the same time, I never ordered her not to go. She gave me the chance to come clean about Earth, but I lied to her. In retrospect I realize that I could have told her the truth. She wouldn’t have said anything to anyone. She understands the need for morale within the fleet.

“She had a reason to question me. She needed to know if Earth was real. If Earth wasn’t real then there would be no reason for her to go chasing arrows. I let her think there was a reason – a good reason – to go back. She didn’t believe me – she let me know that much – but she did it anyway. And I didn’t tell her not to. She made the decision, but I knew exactly what she was doing, and I never told her not to. So I guess that makes me at least equally as culpable.”

Lee’s eyebrows shot up. He hadn’t known that. He had still been working under the assumption that she had gone completely A.W.O.L. He found himself very glad to hear that there was a way of getting some of the responsibility off Kara’s shoulders. “You may need to remind her of that.”

“I will,” Adama answered.

Lee nodded and laughed a little under his breath as he realized what was really happening. This was a dry run. His father wanted a chance to practice what he’d say to her once he saw her. Lee wondered why he found it comforting to know that the Old Man was as nervous about the confrontation as she was.

“Should I tell her you want to see her?” He knew that forcing the confrontation wouldn’t make it easier on either of them, but neither would putting it off. And the sooner they dealt with this, the sooner the whole damn ship could stop holding their collective breath.

Adama nodded slowly. “Tonight. Tell her to come by after nineteen-hundred.”

Lee nodded. “She’ll be here if I have to drag her myself.”

The commander smiled. “From what I’ve heard, you may just have to.”

+++++++++

In the end, Kara had just nodded when he gave her the message and at ten-to, he had watched her change into her blues, say a quiet prayer, and leave the bunkroom.

Lee pretended to work on a couple of evaluations while she was gone, but he couldn’t concentrate. He’d skipped dinner, and thought about going to the mess for something, but he wanted to be there when she came back.

It was going on twenty-two-hundred when there was a knock at the hatch. Lee jumped off his bunk, heart in his throat. He just knew something was wrong.

“Racetrack?”

The way Racetrack’s eyes shifted back and forth told Lee he was right. “I’m sorry to bother you, sir, but um…”

Lee cocked his head, waiting for her to finish. She seemed more chagrinned about being there than panicked. Lee relaxed fractionally. “Racetrack?” he prompted again when she didn’t finish.

“Um… Starbuck’s been throwing up for like half an hour. I can’t get her to go to sickbay, and I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Where is she?” Lee asked quickly.

Racetrack led him down the hall to the public bathroom between his father’s quarters and the bunkroom Racetrack lived in. She pointed to the door, but clearly had no intention of going in herself.

“Thanks,” he said, before shoving the hatch open.

“Kara?”

He heard her retch and then a very labored, “Go the frak away!”

Lee smiled. _This_ was typical Kara. He found himself grateful that she was back to not wanting to be seen during her moments of weakness. It was something normal, and he thanked the Lords for it. Given the discussion he’d had with his father that afternoon, and her current reaction, he guessed things had gone well. He chalked the vomiting up to relief. He’d seen her do that before.

He leaned on the divider between the stalls, and pushed open the door she’d neglected to lock. “Something’s wrong with one of us when the best thing to happen to me all week is you telling me to ‘frak off’”, he said deadpan.

She leaned her elbows on the toilet seat and her head on her hands. “I didn’t say ‘frak off’, I said ‘go the frak away.’ She spit into the toilet and reached up blindly to flush. “And I meant it.”

“Same difference,” he told her, grabbing a towel from the stack on the sink and wiping off the back of her neck and her forehead. “Come on, let’s get you up; you’re freaking out young, impressionable E.C.O.’s.”

“Too damn bad.” Kara made no move to get up.

Lee rinsed the towel off under the cold tap and washed her face for her, getting the back of her neck and even pulling her tanks back to wipe off her shoulder blades. When he pulled back, she took the towel from him and pressed her face into it. “Why do I feel like I’ve been on a three day bender?”

Lee took her elbows and helped her to stand. She let him this time. “Because in a way you have,” he bent over and picked her jacket up off the floor and helped her into it, “Adrenalin crashes are worse than any kind of ambrosia hangover. And you, Lieutenant, have been subsisting on pain pills and adrenaline for almost two weeks.”

She turned towards him, wrapping her arms around his neck and resting her head on his shoulder. “He doesn’t hate me,” she said into his shirt. “He’s not happy about the decision I made, but he doesn’t hate me.”

Lee smiled. “Told you.”

She thumped him in the chest. “Oh, so now, of all times, you’re gonna say ‘I told you so’.”

Lee shook his head; it was so good to see her being difficult again.

“I…” she stopped and cleared her throat. “I wouldn’t go so far as to say things are back to normal between us. I think we both feel kind of let down, a little betrayed, but… it’s manageable.”

Acting on instinct, Lee turned and kissed her temple lightly. “Good.”

Kara straightened up and Lee swore she’d gotten a little color back, maybe a little too much. “Did you just um…?” She was looking at him sideways.

“Yeah, sorry. Should I not have?” So much for being subtle, he thought.

She was definitely blushing now. “Um… we should really, you know… we never really talked about… and we should.”

Lee nodded. “Yeah, we probably should. But not tonight, huh?”

Kara shook her head. “No, I think maybe it should be tonight. I have a feeling that if we don’t deal with this while it’s been brought up, we never will. We’ve already proven how well we handle letting things fester between us.”

Lee sighed, she was right. “I’m just thinking… you’ve been through enough tonight. If you start throwing up again, you may lose some kind of vital organ or something.”

Kara grinned, a trace of her natural cockiness coming through. “You gonna say something that’s going to make me want to throw up?”

That was when Lee realized that it really was going to be okay between them. “Let’s go find somewhere quiet.” He offered her his hand, not really expecting her to take it, but figuring if he was going to push his luck, this was the time to do it.

She looked down at his hand, her cane in the hand nearest his. She knew she could use that as an excuse to keep some distance, but decided _frak it_ and let him take it from her and she leaned on him instead.

“Can we stop at quarters before we go… wherever?”

Lee squinted at her. “Why?”

“I desperately need to brush my teeth.”

Lee laughed. “I’d imagine.” He smiled at her, as he realized that if their discussion went as well as he was hoping for, he’d be pretty glad she’d cleaned up a little before it was over.

+++++++

He walked her back to quarters and changed from his blues into a set of sweats while she brushed her teeth and cleaned her face with soap. When she came back in and saw him in his sweats, she decided to follow his example, and changed into a pair of BDUs and her zippered sweatshirt.

“So…” Lee said looking around the room, indicating the half dozen pilots chatting in small groups or reading on their bunks, “Where should we go?”

Kara thought for a minute, “Come on.”

She led him down the halls, up to the very top level of the ship to an old observation dome. With the draedis update they’d gotten just months before the announcement of the _Galactica_’s decommissioning, they’d been able to pull some of the more sensitive equipment out of the plexiglass dome and install it in CIC. Now it was just a plexiglass dome with brackets that used to hold equipment. It was technically off-limits, but it was an understood thing more than a regulation thing.

Lee sat against the far wall, looking up at the stars. “Wow. I can’t believe no ever comes up here.”

“It’s sort of off-limits,” she said. “During an attack, it wouldn’t take much to cut through the pexiglass, so we’re really not supposed to be in here, but it’s more of a don’t-get-caught-thing. I doubt anybody who wasn’t on the _Galactica_ a year and half ago even knows it’s here.

Lee held out a hand, “Come here.”

Kara crossed the small space slowly, leaning heavily on her cane again. Now that they were here she wasn’t sure what to do or say. Her natural defenses, which seemed to have crumbled away after talking to the Old Man, had snapped back into place during their walk from the bunkroom.

She sat down, facing him - her left leg tucked in, her right stretched out next to him - instead of next to him, keeping a little space between them. She took a deep breath. “Lee… I think things are going to be okay between your dad and me, and I’m glad you aren’t completely pissed at me, but you have to understand, there’s still a lot going on in my head.”

“Want to tell me any of it?” he asked patiently.

“No." She rolled her eyes up and shook her head before adding, "Well, yes and no. Actually it’s one of those conversations I desperately want to be on the other side of. I want you to know what’s going on; I need someone to understand why I am the way I am right now, but I’m really not looking forward to the telling of it.”

“Tell me what I can do to make it easier,” he told her.

“I have no idea,” she told him.

Lee looked at her, but didn’t say anything. Finally the silence became uncomfortable, so Kara let her breath out in a huff and said, “You of all people know I’m not real good about the whole opening up thing. I’ve realized lately that there’s a difference between being independent and being an asshole and I know which side I fall on more often than not. I’m not proud of it, but I don’t know that I know how to change it. I guess you learn how to talk to people at some point… I think I was sick the day they taught that at school.”

Lee wanted to say something, to tell her that she wasn’t generally an asshole, and that when she chose to she could let people in, she just usually chose not to, but there was a strong vibe coming off her that told him that the best thing he could do for her now was to just listen and not interrupt. To not pass any kind of judgment. To let her try and get this all out before offering any opinions.

“There’s a lot going on in my head,” she said again. “I don’t understand it all and I know you’re going to tell me that if I talk about it you can help me understand, but I really don’t think you can.”

Lee nodded, and carefully schooled his face to look neutral, but he had a horrible feeling that she was already locking herself away.

She looked up at him and he became instantly aware that he hadn’t managed as neutral an expression as he’d hoped. “Shit, Lee… I’m not saying… I didn’t mean…I’m not trying to shut you out, but… sometimes if you haven’t been through something, you just can’t understand it. A lot of the crap… a lot of the really bad things that have happened in out lives we’ve both been through together, but what I saw…” She was talking faster now, trying to get the words out, before she became too choked up to speak.

Lee reached up and caressed her face, still not speaking, just making sure she knew he was there, that he was listening and that he cared.

Kara sniffed and passed the back of her hand over her eyes. She looked up and to the side, hoping that if she could will her mind to be blank, she could get the words out without the feelings and the images and the sensory memories assaulting her again. She was quiet for a long minute, hoping Lee would say something, give her a place to start, a way to change the subject. She knew she’d hurt him by telling him that he couldn’t understand, and she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to convince him that just because she didn’t think he could ever truly understand that it didn’t mean that his support wasn’t the only thing that was holding her together - as together as she was at any rate - while she found her place back amongst the crew.

She remembered something an instructor at Officer Candidate School had told her during a simulation – ‘but’ was the great eraser. No matter how much you meant whatever you said first, as soon as you said, ‘but’, all the other person would take away from the conversation was the criticism that came after it. She wasn’t sure how she could fix it. How to explain to Lee that she wouldn’t have survived any of the last few months without him. The end of the colonies, the death of her squad, the pilots in that stupid com-drone accident, facing Zak’s death again, losing faith in the commander and then being forced to chose between him and the president, the frak up with Baltar, the nightmares after she interrogated that Cylon…

Her head started to spin as the list grew in her head. So much death and pain. How was she expected to survive all that and stay sane?

“Talk to me, Kara. You don’t look so good right now. Tell me anything.”

Lee’s hand was still on her face and she was torn between turning into it and storing up all the warmth she could get while she could and pulling away before it was taken away from her. Pulling away won. She couldn’t face the thought of him pulling away from her.

When she took a breath to speak, she had no idea what was going to come out. She was as surprised as Lee when she began talking about a conversation she hadn’t been meant to overhear. “I went into the rec room the other day and caught someone asking D. if I was suicidal. Not in the way that people ask me that when I’ve pulled some crazy-ass stunt in the air. I think she was actually worried that I was going to do myself in.” She picked at the seam of her pants, refusing to look at him.

“Are you, Kara?” Lee asked softly.

“It’s crosses my mind, briefly. Every once in a while. I couldn’t screw up any more if I wasn’t alive, everyone could stop freaking out over what dumb-ass thing I’m going to do next, but I guess I have too much ego to seriously consider it. I know the fleet needs pilots. If we get another Raider, I’ll still be the only one we have who can fly it as far as we know. And if that’s not enough reason to stay alive in the long haul, I guess it’ll have to be good enough for now.”

“But you are depressed,” he suggested.

Kara barked a short humorless laugh. “You think?” She studied her pants again for another minute. “Lee, when I jumped for Caprica I thought I’d lost everything. Sometimes I still worry that I have, but you’re too polite to tell me. It’s never been easy for me to trust. Somehow, somewhere I learned to trust you. Because I could trust you, I figured I could trust Zak. Because I could trust the two of you, I figured I could trust your dad. When Zak died… I lost you both. But your dad, who barely knew me gave me a chance to start over where no one knew about Zak or the accident or any of it. I could just… be me. I wasn’t the poor pilot who’s fiancé died. He barely knew me then, yet he knew exactly what I needed to get past it. It… it hurt when I found out he lied. I… before I left for that test run, I asked him about Earth. I had hoped that maybe one-on-one he’d tell me the truth, but he didn’t. I got these run around answers that I couldn’t stand. And that was just the latest in a string of really shitty things that had happened lately.

“You hated me. I was sure of that. I felt bad enough about what happened on Colonial Day, but when I realized that I had lost your respect… I think, after a while, I began to understand what that whole thing in the hangar was about, but at the time all I could hear was you calling me a slut.” She leaned forward and rubbed her hands over her face wondering briefly where the hell all those word had been dragged up from. “I thought that was as bad as it could get. I’d lost everyone who meant anything to me. I thought that maybe at least I could be useful if I couldn’t be…” she trailed off.

“Loved?” Lee asked quietly.

She didn’t acknowledge him at first, but then she uncovered her face and looked at him. “I thought maybe if I could help get us to Earth that… maybe I could… I don’t know…”

“You’d be important to someone?” Lee reached a hand out, not touching her, waiting to see if she’d let him hold her hand. He’d known for years that Kara had a hard time accepting that she was worthy of being loved, of being appreciated for who she was, not just what she could do. Zak had asked him more than once how to deal with that aspect of her personality, and every time Lee had to admit that he hadn’t figured it out either. He had no idea what kind of damage he and his father had unwittingly done to any self-esteem she’d been building.

“I didn’t think it could get worse than losing the respect of the only two people who mean a damn to me. I didn’t know if I’d get to Caprica and even if I did, I had no idea if I’d make it back. But it didn’t matter.” She sniffled and finally met his eyes. When she looked up she saw his hand in the air between them. She wondered how long he’d been waiting for her to acknowledge him. She put her hand in his and squeezed, offering a tight but genuine smile, before closing her eyes again. “But it just kept getting worse and worse.”

Her head bowed and Lee could see the trail of a tear on her cheek. “Caprica was awful.” She bit her lip and tried to force the more gruesome memories to the back of her mind. “When I landed, I went straight to the museum. There was a Cylon there – tall, blond bitch – she tried to keep me from getting the Arrow.” Kara smiled tightly again, “I’m not used to losing a fight.”

“Apparently you didn’t,” Lee said quietly. “You’re here. I’m guessing she’s dead.”

Kara nodded. “I managed to knock her through a hole in the floor. There was a metal bar sticking up… she fell on it. I almost did, but I managed to roll at the last second.”

Lee grimaced as he imagined what that had to have looked and felt like.

“That was when I ran into Helo and Sharon… Boomer… the other one, whatever they’re calling her now.” Kara wiped a tear off her cheek. “It took us four days of ducking and hiding from the Cylons to make it to the Delphi Launch Station and get a shuttle and get the hell out of there. We would hide out in whatever building we could get into… and there were dead bodies in every one of them and some in the streets...” She bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut again. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, “Gods, you don’t want to know what I saw there. No one needs to know what I saw. It was awful. I don’t know how Helo survived there for so long.” She shivered. “It’s weird, I asked him if anybody has asked him about Caprica and he said they hadn’t. No one asked me either. I don’t think they think of it. I mean, we all think of home, but I know that before I went back… When I closed my eyes I saw a planet with no people. Buildings and trees and streets and… But all the people were just gone. Not dead in their beds or on the sidewalks or… or…” She closed her eyes and took several breaths that Lee suspected that were supposed to be deep, but weren’t making it. “I’m sorry, no one wants to know. It’s why they haven’t asked either of us. I know you don’t want to know.”

“Kara, come here,” Lee held his arm out and tugged on the hand he held. After a few seconds, she finally allowed him to pull her in between his legs, facing sideways, with her legs over one of his. He tilted her head into his chest. “I’ll listen to anything you want to get out.” He wasn’t sure if she was ready to tell him anything more, so he didn’t want to push, but he didn’t want to cut her off either.

“I really don’t think I want to get into the details,” she said with some force. “Maybe later, but right now… right now, I can’t. Okay? Let’s just say that if we ever wipe out every Cylon in existence – something I have rededicated my life to, by the way – we can’t ever go back there. There’s… It’s a tomb. It should be left alone.”

Lee nodded and stroked her hair. “Okay.”

Kara leaned harder against him, wiggling the arm between them out to wrap it around his back. She rested her head against his chest and just took a minute to relax in the quiet. Lee honored her stillness and simply rubbed her back gently with one hand.

Without opening her eyes she finally said, “You know the rest. I get back here and find out the Old Man’s been shot, by someone I had once thought of as friend, the president’s in jail, so now no one knows what to do with the damn Arrow now that we have it, _Tigh_’s in charge…” She took a deep shuddering breath. “It was like every time I thought that it couldn’t possibly get any worse, it did. And it all just… snowballed and before I could deal with one disaster there was another and then another and suddenly everything was out of control. Including me. Or maybe I was out of control before I left. I don't know anymore.”

Lee hugged her tighter. He hadn’t expected all that to come out at once. He’d figured he’d be doing good to get her to discuss just his own involvement in her life and how _he’d_ screwed up. He never expected all this. And he hadn’t even thought about the fact that all the people who died on Caprica had to be somewhere and how horrific had to be. Dying of radiation poisoning wouldn’t have been pretty either. He squeezed her tight as he realized how right she was about how much he didn’t want to know the details of what she’d seen. If she ever decided to confide in him, he’d listen. It would be the least he could do, but even hearing her explain it, he knew, wouldn’t ever come close to letting him understand what she had seen, what she had felt. His stomach curled as he thought about how the planet must smell by now. He selfishly reached up and gently scratched her head, letting the scent of her shampoo fill his nose to block out even the imagined stench of a dead planet.

She snuggled into him, eyes closed and breathing slowing. Lee felt himself smiling, wishing that it hadn’t taken such an enormous amount of tragedy to get her here, to be able to hold her and touch her and make her relax. “Feel good?” he asked quietly as he scratched lightly at her scalp again.

She nodded against him, but stayed quiet.

“Good,” he said quietly. He continued to hold her, to stroke her hair and rub her back for a long time. Neither of them spoke, but he was sure she hadn’t fallen asleep. He thought back through everything she’d said, about the horrific chain of events her life had become.

He shifted a little, holding her against him with both arms. There was so much he couldn’t fix, and he berated himself for adding to her hell. He needed to do what he could. In the grand scheme, he suspected it might not be much, but just maybe getting a little pressure off of her would let her start to heal. He squeezed her tight, one hand coming up to hold her head against his shoulder. He wasn’t sure he could look her in the eyes and say what he needed to say. “Kara?”

“Hm?”

He took several deep breaths before he could say what he had to. “I’m so sorry I made you feel… cheap. I won’t say I didn’t mean to, because I was so mad, so hurt, that at that time I did mean it. I wanted… hell, I don’t know what I wanted from you at that moment, but it didn’t give me the right to say that. What you and Doctor Baltar did was your business. I acted like you were… cheating on me, which is ridiculous since we’ve never… I’m so sorry.”

She nodded, but he wasn’t sure if it was enough. “Kara? Can you forgive me?”

She wrapped her arms around his waist and squeezed in response. After a few minutes she finally said, “I didn’t get a lot of sleep on Caprica. I never knew when we’d have to get up and run and everything was so… frakked up… Anyway, I did get a lot of time to think. In my better moments I tried to convince myself you were jealous. And when I couldn’t do that I realized you were just… right. When I start feeling like the worlds have gotten out of control, I… I get out of control. I do stupid, self-destructive things and, usually, I’m well aware of how stupid I’m being, but I don’t care. I need… I need someone to care for me. Maybe it’s the only way I can ask for help. I do something stupid, and you bail me out and usually you make me own up to why I was being stupid in the first place. You’ve been the only person who’s tolerated me for long enough to pick up on the pattern. That day in the hangar… you were just pointing it out.”

Lee shrugged, “Even if what you say is true, that still didn’t give me any reason to talk to you like _that_. Especially in public. I’m so sorry about that. And…” he stopped and took a deep breath and then decided to just say it, “And in your better moments, you were right. I was jealous, so I acted like a jerk. I’m sorry.”

“I know,” she said, “That you’re sorry, that you didn’t mean it, not that you were jealous. I wasn’t sure about that. I just hoped.” She took a deep breath. “If the night with… If it hadn’t been such an unmitigated disaster, I might have found your remarks that morning when we were jogging, funny. As it was, I really, really wanted to forget that it had happened. We’ve always teased each other about getting laid, whether we were or not, I was just being over-sensitive.”

Lee took one of her hands in both of his and started a slow, gentle massage, carefully avoiding the scabs and yellowing bruises. “Maybe that morning you were, but I was still a total jerk in hangar.”

She laughed a little and finally let it go. “Yeah, you were okay, can we not talk about it any more?” Lee could feel her muscles soften under his hands. He knew it was temporary, but any break in the storm.

They were silent for a few heartbeats. Lee decided to see if her laughter was an indicator that she was really relaxing about it all. “It was really that bad, huh?” He paused, thoughtful, “Funny, with the swarms of women he seems to attract you’d think he’d be better at it.” Of all the things she was dealing with, this really was the most minor, the easiest to put to bed. Lee groaned at the poor mental choice of words.

Kara sat up and pulled away from him, letting him keep hold of the hand he was massaging, but moving to where she could see his face. If she was going to tell him this, she wasn’t going to miss his reaction. “It wasn’t him, Lee… I said something… something I shouldn’t have at a really inappropriate time.”

Lee’s eyebrows climbed up. “How inappropriate?”

“_Really_ inappropriate,” she confirmed. “He has a ridiculous name. How could he really expect me to remember it at... that… moment.”

Lee’s eyebrows moved together as he thought, “You said someone else’s name? Oh, Kara, that’s bad.” He gave a dramatic shiver. “Yeah, that’s _really bad_.” His eyes went wide, as he remembered Baltar at the card game. “Kara…?”

“Here it comes,” she whispered to herself.

“I’m better off not asking, right?” He smiled at her blush.

“Oh, feed your ego,” she groaned at him.

“Kara? Seriously? Me?”

She sighed. “Do you seriously think I went through all the trouble of hunting up a decent looking dress for that lunatic?”

“Wow,” Lee whispered, blushing. “We could not have screwed this up any worse could we have?”

Kara laughed and leaned back into his chest. “Probably not. But then again, we’ve never done things the easy way. I think ‘complicated’ is all we know.”

Lee shifted so that they could both look up at the stars. “Complicated isn’t always bad.”

She turned on her side and lay her length against his. “I guess maybe it means we’re serious about this. Neither one of us would work this hard, take this many chances, if we just wanted someone to screw around with.”

She looked up with a hopeful expression, hoping it meant the same thing for him than it did for her.

“Yeah,” he whispered. “Come here,” he pulled her up to lay next to him on the floor so they could look up at the stars, and both jumped a little when one of the Vipers from the CAP buzzed them.

Kara caught the wing number as the ship zoomed past. “Kat. I’m gonna kill her,” she said with a wry smile.

Lee tilted her head towards him, “Kill her later,” he said and kissed her.

Kara closed her eyes and let him kiss her for a few seconds before becoming less passive. After several seconds more she was clearly an active participant. His hand came up and he threaded his fingers through her hair, holding her against him. Hers wound around his bicep.

When she finally pulled back, they were both red-faced and breathing faster. “I guess I’ll kill her later,” she mumbled.

“Of course, if you kill her, you’ll have to explain how you know how close she was coming in to the _Galactica_. And then she’ll want to know what you were doing up here and then you’ll be forced to explain that you up here making out with the CAG.” Lee smiled and pulled back to see her face.

Kara’s face grew serious. “Right.”

“Kara?”

“You know this doesn’t make me okay, right? I’ll admit that I feel better than I have in weeks, but… our passive/aggressive thing is just part of what has me so frakked up right now.” She sat up and stared across the room.

Lee sat up with her, moving behind her to hold her again, molding her body to his, one arm wrapped around her waist, the other coming up across her chest, his hand hooking over her shoulder, his chin resting on the other shoulder. “I know. We should probably get you set up with one of the ship’s councilors, really. I’ll help any way I can, but you were right when you said I can’t understand what you saw on Caprica. And that may be true about some of the rest of it too. I’ll put in you and Helo both actually. He seems okay, but this can’t be easy on him either.”

Kara smiled sadly at him. “He fell in love with Boomer. He thinks she’s pregnant with his child.”

Lee winced. “Yeah, definitely need to get him some help.” He rolled his eyes as a second thought occurred to him, “And Chief Tyrol… oh man, we may want to keep the two of them out of the same room for a while.”

Kara shrugged. “Or maybe they’ll be the only ones who can understand what the other’s going through. More or less they were both betrayed by the same person.”

Lee thought about that, decided he had no idea which way that coin would land. Either way, he decided he really didn’t want to be there when it did. “I suppose you’ve got a point. Either way, they’re both going to need help dealing with all this. And you too. This war hasn’t been easy on anyone, but you seem catch more of the crap than anyone.”

“I feel like I should be fighting you. Insisting that I don’t need a shrink, but I just can’t find it in me to pretend any more. I don’t want to _feel_ like this any more. I hate the way everyone looks at me like I’m either going to fall apart or take them apart. And neither of us knows which will happen first.”

Lee hugged her and kissed the top of her head. “I’ll get the referral in tomorrow. If you ever want me to go with you…”

“I’ll let you know, but my guess is that it’s going to be bad enough coming apart in front of a stranger on a regular basis. I’m not sure I want you to see that.” She looked up to see how badly she’d hurt him this time.

He actually looked pretty accepting. “There’s a difference between counseling and talking to a friend, huh?”

“I actually know one of the ship’s shrinks… your dad made me go when I first got here. I was pretty messed up then, too. She doesn’t pull her punches. At which point neither do I. I’d rather not have any witnesses, you know?”

“Fair enough.” Lee hated the way he felt like he was pushing, but he had to ask, “But you’ll talk to me too, right? Just to let me know you’re okay?”

“I promise,” she answered sincerely.

“You’re going to be okay,” Lee promised.

“Eventually,” she agreed, shifting to put her head on his shoulder and letting him hold her for a while.

They certainly did take the long way around, but she knew from the warmth and the strength that surrounded her, that she’d never thought she’d want, let alone need, that it would be worth every painful step.

\---------------

_  
"To ease another's heartache is to forget one's own. "_  
Abraham Lincoln


End file.
